As tomorrow is Mother’s Day and Thursday was International Women’s day I wanted to write an open letter to my mum, who sadly I lost 19 years ago when I had just turned 13.
Firstly, happy Mother’s Day, I hope that you know we think of you every day and we don’t just remember you on the days when society tells us too.
I have been thinking about growing up and my childhood a lot recently and how full of laughter and love and support it was. I remember knowing you were different from other mums early on, you never shouted or raised your voice, you were always there with a craft project or something creative to do which meant TV didn’t feature that much as I grew up. I remember standing on a stool in the kitchen watching you make homemade Playdoh and thinking you were a magician. I remember asking you if you would always love me and you told me that there wasn’t anything I could do that would change that. I remember Friday nights watching 999 and Strange but True and being terrified but knowing that as soon as I crept into bed with you I would be instantly soothed and feel safe and comforted. I can’t express how much, over the past couple of months I’ve been longing for that feeling of comfort and safety.
This Mother’s Day feels doubly tough this year, as I should be 6 months pregnant but alas that wasn’t meant to be. I am dying to have a family, I want someone to love unconditionally (other than my cat!) and look at me the way I would look at you making that playdoh. I want to be someone’s safe place, the person they look for in a crowd who can empower them to truly think that they can do anything. When we heard our baby didn’t have a heartbeat the first thing I thought of was you, how at that moment I would have given anything to be able to phone you and I am sure when we try again and we (hopefully) get the news everything is okay I will be thinking of that phone call again and have heaviness in my heart for all the things you’ll miss.
One thing I have learned and I think is one of my greatest strengths is resilience and when I am told of you moving to Scotland and starting on your own I like to think I get my determination and resilience from you. All I do is to make you and dad proud, always.
I miss you